Sitting On Greener Grass

There's a certain comforting sense that I get lying on the lower bunk, listening carefully to the activities in the room: the low hum from the air-conditioning, the murmur from my Indonesian roommate's earphones, sporadic giggling from the Vietnamese girl, the creaks from the plastic sheet that covers the laundry I've received back but haven't had the time and energy to keep my laundry into it's proper place. Things like this help bring sparkle to my eyes; I can't believe that this is what home to me is now. I have come to love this place. My heart is very much planted here and given time it will soon grow roots which will reach deep, far downwards, into the ground.

I want to try to epitomize and reveal what I feel about being here - an objective view, rather than the emoshittrash that I’ve been spewing every time I arrive at the brink of being driven towards insanity. But time has been brutally inhumane. There is little time for being emotions. It’s like we’re made to go through processes, absorb lessons learned all without thinking about what we feel. Not because we don’t want to but more because there simply isn’t time.

So let’s see… where do I even begin? This place has so much to offer. I came here feeling all starry-eyed, keeping a lookout for opportunities that would come my way. I came here with high energy and a sack full of enthusiasm because I was excited at the prospect of something new.

But I have never felt so challenged, academically, in my life before. I felt stupid. (Still do) A lot of things didn’t make sense. (Still doesn’t) The difference between sigma bonds and pi bonds, the thing about moments and torques, the thing about economics essays, the whole idea of binomial theorem… all came to me as a whole lot of mumbo-jumbo. It all felt very alien to me. In the end, I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I probably am not smart enough for education.

On the other hand, I have never had so many opportunities being presented at my feet! I feel like I’m gawking at everything I see. Words won’t do justice as to how much I enjoy being here. My class is awesome. My school library is amazing – there are so many good books: reference and leisure. Shopping here is fantastic: I wish I could earn SGD next time. Debating, although I find it tough and suffering (!!!), is fresh and has turned me hungry for knowledge. I want to meet so many people, do and see so many things but I barely have time for it all. I want to do so much. But it’s killing me because I have neither the time nor the emotional capacity big enough to contain bits and pieces from whatever.

I also spend time getting lost. Walking around the place armed only with SBS Transit Card – no phone or directory for reference. You should try it some day. There are so many things you can see and learn about a place by just walking. We always think of Singapore as plastic. But take a walk and be changed. Look at how the older generations lead their lives. Look at how coffee shops look so strikingly similar to ones back at home. It’s reinvigorating and it puts humanity back into me.

I’m alright. I really am. (: